Admin, Admin, Admin :(

So today (that being Thursday) was the first time that I actually felt like I had the opportunity to sit down and talk to friends not only about me but also generally about university. It was a refreshing change to be able to finally talk with friends and look back. University has been extrememly difficult, I have had some amazing highs but I have also never felt more depressed before.

I have learned that whilst many people have great intentions, they will do things which makes your life more difficult. Yes anybody over the age of 21 who has graduated, just indulge me on this deep and meaningful retrospective.  I didn’t go into therapy just cause I wanted someone to have a chat with, that being said one of the thing I have required often at university I have really needed and not had someone just to chat to.

One of the fantastic opportunities about this week was being able to attend my final debate at the Literary and scientific debating society.  One of the oldest societies at this university. Not only was it the place I really got to know an interesting and attractive women, who over a year and a half later still doesn’t seem to be tired of me.

It was on a trip down to Trinity for a debating workshop, that I made what I have been told (by her) a terrible attempt to ask if she was interested in a more serious thing. It involved my facebook profile relationship status, I will say no more. But this society has really helped to grow as a person in confidence at public speaking, and in my academic life, to create a clear and coherent argument.

Yes mum and Mrs Morris I got there eventually.

Some of my best experiences at university are because of this society.  I do not get to leave with some fine final speech, walking off into the sunset  but more often than not in life when do you ever.7

Unfortunately there was a lot of things I planned to do like join a campaign event for Oxfam which has been a massive part of my university life. Will miss my Qub Oxfam family, I am only sorry as with so many things to not have been able to take great advantage of it.

The other thing that I wanted to do, was do one final tour on behalf of my universities UK admissions department. Since day one of first year, I have worked  to promote what I still believe to be a fantastic opportunity that this university can bring to there life.  Being able to every week of my university life, to meet new young people and their families from all over the UK to hear their stories and hope that my story can in some way help to shape there’s.

As I come to the end of the week, another sad aspect of this week is I don’t really know when I will see many of people that I have come to consider friends again, the world is out there and our generations more than ever have got the skills to travel and see it.

Today is the day I hand in my dissertation, despite it being something which is almost talked about in mythical ways.  Yet I am handing in two very bland looking mini books, with an attached cover sheet because I being a dyslexic, did not read in the module guide that it was needed.  In addition to that when I looked to hand in my copies, the office refused to take them.

Because no one had told them, that they would be receiving thesis this semester. So like I said it was never going to easy for me. Outside of that the last day of  the week, also involved a lot of stressing waiting on emails, to make sure that the forms I where going to hand in where correct.  Considering this process began at about 10 am, you might be surprised that I was not responded to or confident with what I was stating until 3:30pm.

So that was Queens, my next post might be more retrospective but not sure yet. 

Times up

This week has been a really hectic mix of seeing lecturers, getting paper work finished, getting in as many formals as a man can in a week, and trying to fit in be able to spend time to do things you can on the cheap like going to the cinema for nothing.  But one of the things I am trying to do but failing is I am finding it Difficult to be able to have perspective  on being able to take in for the final time being a student at this wonderful university of mine.

It is especially difficult because despite trying to approach this as my last week to some extent my time has already been and gone. A last week or a final week should be something you live to some extent normally. I don’t have that luxury, my house which I have come back to I am not living in, I am staying there bit of a difference. But as with most things your time comes before you feel like you are ready for it and I guess this is just one of those. I wouldn't be living my normal life trying to get in as many meet ups as this week.

Many of you know when you come to the end of something like school or college or university, ideally you want to be able to look back with your peers and talk about what we had. But the difficult thing about  this is  that I seeing my friends for  the final time yet all I am talking about, is my current condition. Hopefully when graduation comes I will get my opportunities to say my final good byes to the academic staff who has helped me get through the last three years. Whilst I won't be able to do these good byes along with my class friends, this is my new reality so time to get used to it.

But any way back to the fun part of this week and the reason why I came back in the first place, apart from to see my gf again J end of year formals people.

The first formal was at a place called the Ulster Reform club, one of the strangest experiences of the past couple  of weeks is being invited into “clubs” which the outside world is not aware of them being there. The other one being the Oxbridge club in London.  Minus the whole cancer thing really living the high life.

There is a lot of people who because of my first term travels, I have not been able to reconnect with or in some cases try to bury/ resolve any previous difficulties that I might have had with them. When you get involved as I have with societies and you work with people closely things can get stressful and things take place and are said in the moment of trying to organise events and run the society which you regret looking back. By the way I am in no way not attaching myself to that statement because I did.

The second formal which was the Politics, International Studies and Philosophy school formal took place as it has for the passed three years in the great hall.  It was fantastic for me to get to see so many people who in some way have become a part of my university experience, and do a kind of goodbyes.

After the drinks reception, the meal had gone very well the table we were on, had someone who I had not seen since getting off a grey hound in Philly one July night. Everything went well apart from a 20 minute period where we weren't sure, if the gf was going to have an anaphylactic shock. This was because she hadn’t realised before she eat it, that the chicken had ground walnuts on top.  It was never going to go swimmingly was it.  

As I stated above I really feel my final universities opportunities and the life experience, associated with that are being taken away from me, before my time. I would have preferred my last formals, not to be the last time I see so many people. That feeling will not go away because it is a fact, but how I choose to let that effect me of course is down to me.

But at the same time opportunities do arise. Whilst I have my health and before I am going into chemotherapy, I am currently working on getting a piece hopefully published for the Guardian student section.  In addition to that I am have looked to get this blog out to male cancer charities and hopefully looking forward to taking up some kind of an ambassador role. Because as with many things in my life that I have had to deal with, if I can talk about then I should so others who can't for what ever reason don't have to.

The other issue is whilst being in Belfast and still trying to live in the moment, due to the complications that I have health wise I am still needing to stay on top and follow up with my specialist nurse.  So on Wednesday morning I had one of the weirdest phone conversations I have ever had. Along with finding out my possible prosthetic might be a blood clot, was kind of put to the back of my head due to other things.

The other thing which I remembered from the conversation, was being told that as I was doing a sperm bank on Tuesday, I had to make sure I ejaculate on Saturday. I never thought I would hear those words over the phone. But as with many experience of the last couple of weeks, just another thing to tick of the life experiences list. 

Getting back to reality

One of the most difficult things about getting used to dealing and waiting for therapy, is the fact I need to carry on living my life sensibly. The simple fact is that in between appointments and tests there’s still the possibility it might be over and you get to go back to normality. But in addition to that as I really tried to emphasis you need to continue to make sure you remember and be around and apart of every day reality.

However it is a little bit difficult, when you are as I am a in debt student. But at the same time there is very little I can do everyday at the moment.  Everyday for me at the moment, basically involves me trying to find ways to leave the house.  Unfortunately, as is the case for many people out there who don’t have jobs realize that for our mental health, you can’t just stay indoors all the time.

Also just so people don’t miss read this as something its not, I am terrible at budgeting. So trying to remember to think about my money just when I am simply trying to find ways and buy things that make me feel better. So yes I have brought a tshirt from a cancer charity, and yes I have brought a book for 15 quid. And yes I am seriously considering getting a HBO now account.

But moving on from my internal issue. This week as I said I am back in the place I have called home for most of the last 3 years.  Getting back into the house when I  just had a moment to think, one of the things that has hit me the hardest has been looking around mine and my girlfriend’s house and just realizing the loss.

The plans we had made the cleaning rota we had, that’s not going to get seen through. We had a normal life, time is different now.   So this last academic year whilst being really rewarding on so many levels, has been very challenging. Spending 6 months in a new country where you don’t speak the language was never going to be easy. And I can definitely say Poland at times was not easy.

But the one thing that got me through the difficult times, was looking forward and just thinking about what this time was meant to be.

Me and my gf in our nice small house, seeing out the end of our undergraduate enjoying getting the chance to enjoy the city we have got to know so well together one last time. Getting to go see the gigs we want, experience the things we haven’t done but all ways plans to. Unfortunately life never allows you to just have it that simple.

As I am getting older I realizing very quickly how important, short amount of time can be in life. How much can you do, what you can say to someone in an hour which might change there or your life.

Far too often I continue to get told my life is ahead of me, so much more to do. Not really, as I am older and especially in my current situation opportunities seem to be flying passed me.

 One of the frustrating things, was having to give up my place on a University leadership course to Malaysia. Now whilst I can one day go to that country, but that opportunity is not coming again and that sucks.

Interacting with people back in my normal life was always going to an experience. Because I don’t know how I would deal with a friend of mine who has cancer. Its not like you get classes.

One of the  most odd things that I kind of expected, is what do you talk to people who you know just in passing, just waiting to cross the street. I can fully appreciate that fact a lot of the conversations people have wanted to talk off the topic.

 I am sure this is something which many people who have had cancer have experienced. But from my perspective, I don’t really have a lot more to talk about. I have a lot of plans  for this  week and I am depressed, that this will be my last roll of the  dice, and that is  sad but it does make me try to cherish what I can .

Thankfully my  school has  been very accommodating, which will make my plan to finish this year a lot easier. For those of you on facebook do prepare yourself for a dissertation photo on Friday.   This is probably going to be a hard week, but I am going to give it my best. 

Preparing for chemo

Before I begin talking about how things have been since the appointment I just want to go back to some of the weird things about that day. Firstly was the fact, when  I saw on my ipod that Victoria Wood had died I was more concerned my mum might have a break down seeing that then what ever my results where.  That fact her pulse was 110 didn’t help.

Secondly was the fact the minute I saw that had happened I knew along with everything else I wrote about in the last blog, this was not going to be a good day.  So you get a couple of forms and detailed stuff which I have got the time to try and work through.

The first thing is the large amount of possible side effects.

Which goes from losing your hair, which for some reason I am just coming to the realisation that I am going to lose all of my body hair, to throwing up  to mouth ulsers. So yes really excited for those three weeks starting May 23^rd everybody.

Also back on the subject of my hair for a moment.  For anyone who knows me pretty well knows I am a relatively hair man. So going from Hugh Jackman to Christaino Ronaldo is not something I am looking forward to. Although I have been told, not to knock putting trousers on hair less legs until I have tried it, but I will have to wait and see on that one.  

But in addition to that you get the sperm bank leaflet, which it turns out if I want to use my sample in the future it is going to cost me. But I  guess becoming infertile at the age of 21 is just another new reality that I have to get used to except.

Most importantly of all the things I am going to have to prepare for is the fact research on the internet suggests that I am not going to be able to drink coffee.  Just want to say that again I am not going to be able to drink coffee during my recovery and will probably need to stay off coke.

However moving back to one of the small upside of this treatment, I forgot to mention is that apparently there is some funding from charities for teenagers and young people with cancer. No matter what my ages, I am still able get money from some public body for just being me.  

So I am writing this the day before I head back to Belfast, for what is my and will be my last ever week as a university undergraduate student.  It’s a really scary but also depressing thought that the next seven days are the last seven days I will be able to just be a student and do all of the things I do as a queens student. But I  guess along with having to accept some of   the other things I stated above, is just something I have to get used to.

But anyway back to me my upcoming week. Because  I am trying to make sure I finish everything, or to put it another way get one last go at thing that have become part of my university life. One of those thing, has been working in university recruitment for GB students. This has been one of the best things I was able to since my first year and for the last time next Friday, I will be giving a tour. Don’t pity me to much I am getting paid ;)

Due to the fact I am trying to make sure I do everything, as well  as deal with all the different admin things, that I need to do in my department to work out what is the best way that I am going to be able to finish if not officially graduate this academic year.

One of the slight difficulties when trying to  organise some kind of schedule, so I can make sure I can make the best of it, means making sure my schedule  lines up with  what my girlfriend has planned for that week.  Now for any of you, who know me and my girlfriend very well, know we are very different people. I do have to be careful how I phase this, as she might actually read this. I often always try to plan for the future and next week is just another case of that.

My girlfriend however very much lives in the moment, which is great. Often I feel like it helps to mellow me out, however that does mean trying to get her to commit to a weeklong schedule a day or two ahead of time is a little bit difficult. 

Facing the reality

So today was the day.

It was the day which would define and effect my next 6 months and could really put my life on hold. It didn't get off to the best start, managed to get lost on my morning walk so it was really a sign of things to come. Side note am really getting into my power walking routine, Carmel give me a couple of months might be near your level ;).

I Tried to call up early so I could get a bit of a head up on what my blood result are, Paul who recently having come back from holiday, catching up on a lot of work, he was not going to be able to take the time to look up blood results which will be followed up at 4pm.

 In order to try and make the day go a bit quicker me and mum went to the cinema, thought with a 4pm appointment 12:40 movie we would be fine.  Well firstly Zoo tropilis is a fantastic, a nice and fluffy movie Disney movie which considering the circumstances we both needed. It also gave me an idea about how I am going to spend my time in recovery after treatment. There was a guy in front of us who I saw after the screening had ended and we where leaving, just walk into another screen.  

 However, there was a slight issues as it turn out we were a bit wrong, time wise. Mainly because we had to go and pick up my dad at a time when everyone was leaving the local primary school.

We made it back to ours at 20 past; the appointment was at 4:00. So despite the rush we actually made it with 10 minutes to spare. However in the end, our efforts made no difference, as they were 40 minutes behind. The joys of the NHS.

The moment came and we went in, its never reassuring to be seeing a new doctor who for some reason did not appear to have any of your notes from previous meetings.  So the moment we went in the word treatment was used and I knew straight away as I suspected I was never going to get out of this in the clear.

But before I knew quite exactly how screwed I was, first thing I wanted to get checked was my second lump. So I went into a side room with the doctor and Paul the specialist nurse who the second I pulled my pants down, pretty much said in unison, it’s a prosthetic. Whilst I am pissed off that I have something in my body which should have been there, I am more just relieved that it was not a cancer relapse.

Once that got sorted, my situation was outlined. Despite the seriousness that it sounds, I currently am not that in trouble. My blood levels are continuing to drop so the surgery worked. I don’t have a new tumour in my body.  However I do have the small possibility of that a lymph node in my body is 1cm away from being considered enlarged to a dangerous  level. I also still need to get blood test, until stuff have dropped which means I get only a week break from this place.

Due to this possible complication, actually works well for me. This is because they can’t start treatment until they know if the lymph node is expanding or staying the same so I know have a month to enjoy my time a little bit.  Now if it turns out I need 3 rounds and the node expands then I will be pissed but until that point, but thinking positive people.

So straight after we finished me and my mum headed to Wolverhampton to go see Stuart Goldsmith , I know a bit of an odd thing to do.My dad did ask when we came back if I didn't just want to sit and think about everything. But the thing is there is not really that much to think about. My mum put it well, this is not so much of a battle or anything I have any control over. Things are being done to my body, so when I have little control of that there's not really much to think about.

Also I paid for  the tickets and its the principle of the thing sometimes ;)

 But I really loved it, because it was great to just focus and indulge in something completely different. Also so nice to go to a gig, where firstly san miguel was only 3 quid, and the person working the bar when I didn't have cash, as they didn't take card, to let me pay later. 

I don’t know when my next blog will be, but treatment doesn’t begin until May 23^rd so hopefully it will be me continuing to enjoy life and my hair / beard before it goes. The hair not my life ;) 

 Belfast see you Monday. 

Feeling the distance

So firstly on a medical standpoint, some slight improvements my markers have halved but they have not flattened so not enough to allow them to be able to confident to make an conclusion.

But alongside that there  is also the possibility that the last month the surgery the tests the distance and the waiting, I might have to go through it all again if that second lump which I am praying is a prosthetic, turns out to be a relapse terrifies  me.  Also the guy I spoke to over the phone, looking at the surgical notes could neither confirm nor rule out a surgical mess up, because there was language in the notes which he (because he is not a surgeon according to him) was unfamiliar with.

So great I am either still dying or someone messed up the joys.

So yes you guessed it more blood tests, which hopefully shows my levels are normal and I get to get angry with someone for their incompetence. If it is that, I suspect I will never meet the person, because for anyone who has had the misfortune of going through a type of disease which requires a number of hospital visits, even within the same department you very rarely see the same person twice.

But aside from that I think one of the things that I was least prepared for was the distance.  This kind of builds on what I said yesterday, but for me It really is true in that my life and the women I love is across a sea.

3^rd  year is never meant to be  easy, but it really does suck that the best you can do for someone is be on the other end of the phone, when you really want to put two arms around them and tell them it will be fine.  The internet is an amazing this, but their really is very little you can do over email ;)

But in another way distance is not just dependent on geography, but has also affected my interactions with my family and family friends.  One of the most difficult things that I have tried to balance, sometimes successfully sometime not is being empathetic to peoples concern, especially close family members.

Let’s see if I can get across to you my position, I am trying to be appreciative and understand people’s worries, the fact everyone is always going to think about worst case scenario.  It effects in some way, the everyday life I cannot appreciate the difficulty that comes with going to work, knowing there is loved one who everyone keeps asking you about there CANCER.

However what person suffering with a possibly life threatening disease would want to indulge themselves into that line of thinking.  One of the ways I feel like I have got through this experience is yes being realistic and trying to plan for all eventualities, but at the same praying you never have to turn those plans into your reality.

So thankfully today had a nice long  walk, I would say to get  myself back to some kind of level of fitness but  also to just get some fresh air for  a good period of time, nothing quite beats some good power walking.

One of things I am really learn to appreciate as I get older is having the opportunity like I had today, to just go and sit down to talk to someone and just both be able to take stock of how life is going. But not just that just talk about life. So yes thank you joe.

Blood test was nothing special but unlike my first round where I had to wait for about 15 people, this time only 5, small victories right.

Hopefully my next blog will be my final one, but I know better than to really believe that. Either way you lucky people will be getting a video.

But what I do know is that Belfast I will See you guys next week. 

Life right

So in order for me to get out the house and to give my parents some peace and quiet I headed to London, for  a couple of day.  So the first thing I did once I got into town  was take a Trip to LSE, after grabbing a coffee with my uncle who works around Victoria station. So I wanted to go to LSE

because in my field outside of you know who LSE is the next big thing, and I wanted to see what might have been(I didn’t apply and wouldn’t have got in but nice to dream right).

So overall I have to say very Underwhelmed, everyone is different and being condition to Queens Campus in a city I have never been a fan of city universities.

Being able to travel and go see things is something I have and will always be grateful for the time and the opportunity to do so. But I think definitely this time round more than anything, my podcast don’t quite feel like  the company they used to.

That is the sad but I guess pretty obvious thing about this disease that in this dead time before treatment begins, I very much am kind of in a weird state of suspended animation.  Everyone’s life’s continue around me whilst I just wake up to days wondering where and how I am going to fill them . But that suspended animation will come to an end .

So day two and my main aim for my trip down was to see the Olympic park. After about an hour getting from south to east London, I made it and it was really quite something, if you can come down to the capital and see the amazing facilities that they have down here.  After a few  more museums I  head round to my gf sisters house, for a lovely risotto, and to be reminded why people my age need to life with 5 other people, when its only meant for  4. (If you haven’t guessed it's rent prices).

This has been a really fun and actually allowed me to get a fair amount sleep, which I didn’t expect. Thank you to Annettee John, Alex, Clive, Christaine, James and Isobel for keeping me company. I am writing this on Friday morning to some extent just counting the hours, until my phone rings and to some extent the next 6 month of my life is decided. So yes little bit nervous, but trying to make myself as mentally prepared for everything.

The other weird thing, it how paranoid, you become every little thing that you noticed before hand, as symptoms, every little thing you think is a sign that its not gone. Also  unfortunately, I have another issue I need to get resolved is I realised last night that I have had prosthetic testicle put in to replace my removed on. I never asked for on and certainly did not sign anything which could in any way suggest or imply that I want one.

Guess I was a bit stupid to expect everything to go smoothly.  When you are unlucky as I am, its not really going to be a one time thing. So its 9:30 they have probably only just got into work, but I am going to be looking at my phone every minute for the rest of the day. Main part of the day was  Lunch in the Tottenham court road area, with a very old family friend who I have known since I was born who work in the area. It was a really nice lunch, mainly because it was nice to hear of someone who seemed to have it together but being able to feel happy for a really old friend who deserved it.  Yes my days are a bit shit at the moment but it doesn’t mean I can’t be happy for her. The rest of the day until my 5pm bus was spent above ground hoping and praying for that phone call.

 It is 22:52 pm, and I have just made it home after  what should have been a 3 hour journey turned into 5 hours.

I am also coming back, having waited all day for a phone call that never came. Today was that day for  me, its difficult  to describe how emotionally draining it is to just want some closure to believe that it is coming and for that to never come through.

To know you  have something in your body which you  never wanted and could cause you  some really nasty side effects, doesn't really help you drift off at night. But I will have no idea about my results , will have no idea about why the fuck I have something I didn’t want in my body, until Monday.

Life is very good to me, so today I feel like in a weird I just got a little bit of what was coming to me. Karma haha.

So this morning rather than just sit and wait for the time to pass by, I was out and campaigning for the stay in campaign in Birmingham. This might sound like an odd thing to do considering the circumstances. But as more time pass, the simple fact is I am not going to die, or at least fingers crossed right, this is still going to be a world that I want to leave in. For me this vote is very a key dependent of what sort of a world I will be leaving after the vote.

But as I put in my last piece this experience very much is leaving in a world operating around you, with you stuck in limbo, but whilst I still have my health and whilst I still have my hair ;), going to continue to try and step back into that real world.