Tuesday, 26 April 2016

Getting back to reality

One of the most difficult things about getting used to dealing and waiting for therapy, is the fact I need to carry on living my life sensibly. The simple fact is that in between appointments and tests there’s still the possibility it might be over and you get to go back to normality. But in addition to that as I really tried to emphasis you need to continue to make sure you remember and be around and apart of every day reality.

However it is a little bit difficult, when you are as I am a in debt student. But at the same time there is very little I can do everyday at the moment.  Everyday for me at the moment, basically involves me trying to find ways to leave the house.  Unfortunately, as is the case for many people out there who don’t have jobs realize that for our mental health, you can’t just stay indoors all the time.

Also just so people don’t miss read this as something its not, I am terrible at budgeting. So trying to remember to think about my money just when I am simply trying to find ways and buy things that make me feel better. So yes I have brought a tshirt from a cancer charity, and yes I have brought a book for 15 quid. And yes I am seriously considering getting a HBO now account.

But moving on from my internal issue. This week as I said I am back in the place I have called home for most of the last 3 years.  Getting back into the house when I  just had a moment to think, one of the things that has hit me the hardest has been looking around mine and my girlfriend’s house and just realizing the loss.

The plans we had made the cleaning rota we had, that’s not going to get seen through. We had a normal life, time is different now.   So this last academic year whilst being really rewarding on so many levels, has been very challenging. Spending 6 months in a new country where you don’t speak the language was never going to be easy. And I can definitely say Poland at times was not easy.

But the one thing that got me through the difficult times, was looking forward and just thinking about what this time was meant to be.

Me and my gf in our nice small house, seeing out the end of our undergraduate enjoying getting the chance to enjoy the city we have got to know so well together one last time. Getting to go see the gigs we want, experience the things we haven’t done but all ways plans to. Unfortunately life never allows you to just have it that simple.

As I am getting older I realizing very quickly how important, short amount of time can be in life. How much can you do, what you can say to someone in an hour which might change there or your life.

Far too often I continue to get told my life is ahead of me, so much more to do. Not really, as I am older and especially in my current situation opportunities seem to be flying passed me.

 One of the frustrating things, was having to give up my place on a University leadership course to Malaysia. Now whilst I can one day go to that country, but that opportunity is not coming again and that sucks.

Interacting with people back in my normal life was always going to an experience. Because I don’t know how I would deal with a friend of mine who has cancer. Its not like you get classes.

One of the  most odd things that I kind of expected, is what do you talk to people who you know just in passing, just waiting to cross the street. I can fully appreciate that fact a lot of the conversations people have wanted to talk off the topic.

 I am sure this is something which many people who have had cancer have experienced. But from my perspective, I don’t really have a lot more to talk about. I have a lot of plans  for this  week and I am depressed, that this will be my last roll of the  dice, and that is  sad but it does make me try to cherish what I can .

Thankfully my  school has  been very accommodating, which will make my plan to finish this year a lot easier. For those of you on facebook do prepare yourself for a dissertation photo on Friday.   This is probably going to be a hard week, but I am going to give it my best. 

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