Sunday, 17 April 2016

When over thinking becomes the way for fill the day

So I don’t know when I am going to be putting this up, but today is Tuesday the 12th of April, and is the first day when I have nothing to do.  My parents are all working, my brother has headed back to Bristol and I have no hospital visit to make.

I know I might have it but I feel fine, which is possibly the thing you don’t prepare yourself for because if I thought about getting cancer, I kind of thought of just basically a depressing slow sickness which I am sure is unfortunately the case for many people. It’s strange to know you might be dying but to have no feeling to kind of associate that with.

It’s probably a common a thing all people have to learn to deal with before their treatment actually begins. So today I am writing this whilst sitting at a costa when I could have  just made coffee at home simply to get out the house. Thank you Lesley for the gift card.

Obviously everyone is very different, but I have never been very comfortable with my own company.
I think it might be some kind of ticks that I developed when I was a lot younger to deal with my autism, where I have to continue to work to be comfortable talking to people , so much so that I can’t deal with my own company.  

I have always been pretty envious of my brothers and my girlfriend who are so comfortable in their own skin that they can happily just spend a day sitting in front of their laptop or watching tv.

As my mum would agree I have never been too conventional in how I have done this life thing.
But also time and not being bothered enough to do my dissertation means you start to think way to much. Two days ago was me and my girlfriends one year and 6 month anniversary, not many couple can say that in such a short time both parts of a couple nearly die. My gf had a anaphylactic shock after eating a walnut when she came to visit me in Warsaw.

A lot of things suck about this, but every day I try to mentally prepare myself for all eventualities about what treatment I am going to need.

So far I guess I have tried to deal with this quite well, but I think its because when faced with the word cancer I am just thinking of all the best case scenario. Which at the time of writing this, is I don’t need chemo, but I suspect and am realistic to appreciate the fact the odds of me getting through this with no chemo is  pretty small.

But if on Friday 15th I get a call and they say I need full chemo, three to four cycles.   I think that will be the point when the smile might be difficult to keep going. I want to graduate I want to be there to see my girlfriend graduate, I don’t want mine and my families life, our holidays,  my holidays,  my time with my girlfriend before life begins in September , to go to waste.  I am for anyone who reads this who has had the misfortune to go through will tell me it will all be fine etc.

But I would still prefer to have to put my life on hold for a month than the next. But I guess that’s the thing with cancer it doesn’t give a crap you have your plans, you have your dreams your plans, and in the space of a couple of weeks your done. And 3 to 6 months of your life are just done.  But its not my life and I guess that’s what counts.

So my next article will bring you right up to date with me, and it has been a difficult recent time.

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